Mortimers Dozen

Brothers! Sisters! My little four legged fiery comrades! Today, I stand before you, not as an equal, but as your superior. Today, I look down on you with contempt and derision. Today, I am your God. I was born from the union of a dragon and a nightmare! My hooves shatter adamantite and my teeth can tear kraken hide!

But fear not my children, for the great Lord Mortimer has decreed that I demean myself and help you. He has decided that you are worthy, neigh, deserving, to be raised up to the level of slightly below me. I disagreed with him, but he hit me, so here I am. All praise the great Lord Mortimer!

I am to teach you great things! I will show you how to carry the pink skinned ones into battle! I will teach you all the tricks to get them surreptitiously killed or dismounted! I will describe in great detail and length all of the magnificent battles I have won! You will listen and be amazed! You will bite yourselves in shame, while dreaming of the honour of serving as my step stool!

But rejoice! You might be terrible but I am magnificent! Stay close, and my gloriousness may rub off on you! Listen closely and you too will learn how to spin miracles. Step close, and our formations will be tighter than Rombadazzles sphincter after hearing my name!

Open your ears, because this is the important part! Today, we form Crushers 11th Hellhound division!

We will be known by all who live as ruthless and bloody! Orcus himself will flee this plane in terror, lest he have to face us in the field! Thyr will throw open the gates of heaven and invite us to plunder its sweet flesh as reward! We will be horses amongst men, and we will live like Gods!

Keep these thoughts foremost in your mind! Remind yourself that you aren't as spectacular as me, but you're okay in your own way. And just remember, with just four legs, you can carry a man, but together we can carry mankind!

Now go, you smelly little bastards, and celebrate this glorious declaration! And damn, someone bring me a mare!