Infinite patience

"Look, Mortimer, you need to listen to me. You have a lot going for you, but you need to learn how to use it right."

"But look, I can use it!"

"That's what I mean though. You look terrifying when you do that, but you need to keep that daft grin off your face. You look like you're about to join Gus' circus, not hammer someone into the ground"

"But it's fun! I can't help it!"

"You need to learn to help it. You need to aim for the 'I'm 350lb of focused rage' look, not the 'I just finished licking 3 frogs and snorted a mushroom' look. Okay, watch the mirror and go again. BY BALTHAZARS BALLS, didn't I just say to keep that stupid grin off your face?"

"But I'm so pretty. Look at my muscles ripple! Ripple, ripple!"

"That damn Tolah woman has been putting ideas on your head again. What did we say about that?"

"We said 'no ideas unless Tabitha approves and has budgeted for it'"

"And does Tabitha approve?"

"Well, your eyebrows say no. So do your eyes. Your nose is undecided, but your mouth is definitely a no too..."

"So, go again and lose the fucking grin...GODDAMMIT MORTIMER. I debate theology and military tactics with that horse of yours, and yet I'm struggling to teach you basic tricks. Perhaps he should be in charge here leaving you to run around free, rolling in shit and pissing in your own drinking water

"...fucking horse. I'll show him the back of my hand. And then I'll hit him with it..."

"Yes! Thats the face I want! Okay, go again..."

Mortimers Dozen

Brothers! Sisters! My little four legged fiery comrades! Today, I stand before you, not as an equal, but as your superior. Today, I look down on you with contempt and derision. Today, I am your God. I was born from the union of a dragon and a nightmare! My hooves shatter adamantite and my teeth can tear kraken hide!

But fear not my children, for the great Lord Mortimer has decreed that I demean myself and help you. He has decided that you are worthy, neigh, deserving, to be raised up to the level of slightly below me. I disagreed with him, but he hit me, so here I am. All praise the great Lord Mortimer!

I am to teach you great things! I will show you how to carry the pink skinned ones into battle! I will teach you all the tricks to get them surreptitiously killed or dismounted! I will describe in great detail and length all of the magnificent battles I have won! You will listen and be amazed! You will bite yourselves in shame, while dreaming of the honour of serving as my step stool!

But rejoice! You might be terrible but I am magnificent! Stay close, and my gloriousness may rub off on you! Listen closely and you too will learn how to spin miracles. Step close, and our formations will be tighter than Rombadazzles sphincter after hearing my name!

Open your ears, because this is the important part! Today, we form Crushers 11th Hellhound division!

We will be known by all who live as ruthless and bloody! Orcus himself will flee this plane in terror, lest he have to face us in the field! Thyr will throw open the gates of heaven and invite us to plunder its sweet flesh as reward! We will be horses amongst men, and we will live like Gods!

Keep these thoughts foremost in your mind! Remind yourself that you aren't as spectacular as me, but you're okay in your own way. And just remember, with just four legs, you can carry a man, but together we can carry mankind!

Now go, you smelly little bastards, and celebrate this glorious declaration! And damn, someone bring me a mare!