Snookums and the Dominion Army

“And here he is, the biggest small man you’ll ever meet! the Dragonslayer! the Hero of Calaelan and the Commander of the Dominion Army! General Stoneheart!”

Snookums stamped out onto his fifth makeshift stage this week, glaring at the mayor of yet another no-horse town between nowhere and dirtsville. He looked out across what could barely be called a town square at his appreciative audience of two drunks and a mule.

“Ahem, thank ye for attending today’s recruitment drive. Uh, yes? you down in tha fountain? No, no I’m not from no ‘Holy Church Of The Divine Strangler’. No, shut yer trap! As I was sayin, tha Army of tha Calaelan Dominion is recruitin’. We offer two hots and a cot, no more than 8 hours a day o’ trainin’ an’ citizenship after 1 year o’ service.”

The two drunks had started squabbling. Or hugging, it was hard to tell. Even the mule had turned back to its feed trough. Snookums sighed and thanked the mayor for his time before heading to the tavern and ordering a jug of dwarven firewater. About two-thirds of the way through the jug, Snookums was joined by the town sheriff, who lost no time floating what sounded like a brilliant idea. Soon Snookums found himself standing in the town lockup, inspecting the local miscreants.

“So wha’ did this one do?” Snookums slurred, leaning heavily against the cool iron bars.

“Petty theft. He stole some bread from the baker and cold cuts from the back room of the butchery” replied the sheriff.

“Was you jus’ hungry? Where’r’ yer’ parents, laddy?” Snookums whispered from somewhere near the ground.

“He’s an orphan. Same as the other two we’ve got here. The Halfling, I’ve got no idea. He hasn’t spoken a word since the baker’s wife caught him in their larder.”

“Sounds t’me like they need food and discipline. Calaelan’s got plenty o’ food an’ I gots plenty o’ th’ other t’ing” grunted Snookums from the hay pile next to the cage.

“Well look, I’ll sign over custody of this lot to you, and even throw in the old lockup wagon if you’ll take them with you when you go.” The sheriff thrust a sheaf of paper under Snookums’ hand and deftly inserted an inked quill, getting a mark on the form.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A foot prodded Snookums in the ribs, quickly followed by a bucket of water splashing into his face, drenching the clothes beneath the plate armour he had somehow fallen asleep in.

“Up you get General, you’ll be wanting to get on your way now that it’s light. I’ve already loaded your new recruits and hitched your pony up to the wagon” said the sheriff forcefully, lifting the heavy-set dwarf to his feet.

“Here’s the step, right there. Up we go, wonderful. Alright General, lovely to do business with you, do drop by again sometime, bye bye! Hyaaaah! Git along pony!”

By the time Snookums came to his senses, he was nearly a mile out of the town in a wagon with a cage full of sullen youths.