Communication and Introspection [Agamemnon]

I have not recording anything here in some considerable time, but in prayer at dawn The Elf reminded me in his direct, judgmental way of our understanding: both communication and introspection are required if I am to tread the very alien path of his worship.  In all honesty I have been neglecting both.  My orc blood revels in running with a strong pack; my human inclinations find easy comfort in camaraderie and companionship - but I was alone and nomadic for a long time, and for good reason.  My nature is to be wild and uncontrolled in action, overbearing in friendship, and vicious in defense of my comrades.  Darach-Albith, the golden-eyed bastard, for all his martial proclivities, does not look kindly on bestial aggression - 'considered expression' is his preference, a mode of operation I manage more easily when passions are cooled.  However instinctively I gravitate towards it, camaraderie does not incline either of my bloodlines towards measured action when a gnoll is charging spear-first at someone I give a fuck about.

The truth is I feel as if I have been an automaton these past few forays, as if I am not truly attending to events around me, merely going through the motions, reacting instinctively rather than with proper thought.  On the one hand I have been carelessly slipping into a pattern: go with group, stand near front, wave spear about, channel positive energy whenever anyone appears injured, ignore loot, traipse back to camp.  It is too easy to lose agency and drift into being a plus one numerical advantage on the field rather than a participant in events.

But more than that, I have been seeing these initial expeditions as so much necessary mundane labour, chores I need to complete in order to get to the important things.  Finally at the very outskirts of Rappan Athuk I feel the chaotic pull of fate so strongly that it is numbing me to the people around me, and that is not good - in either sense of the word.  Putting the responsibility on the paladin was inappropriate; as good a moral compass as he was, man can be led to good action but can only achieve good understanding by seeking it himself.  I can already feel several of my colleagues drifting away from good understanding through my inattention.  That is their choice, but my own choice is balanced on a precipice as thin as a hair and inattention will cause me to fall.

Communication, and introspection.  I need to know what those around me are doing, thinking and feeling, and I need to evaluate my own thoughts and feelings just the same.  Only in that way can I remain in alignment with the divinity with which destiny has paired me, and redeem in this place whichever of my lineages needs and deserves redemption.